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Sarah's Journey: Discovering Her Asexual Identity

Sarah, 37: “I’ve never enjoyed sex. As a child, I felt defective because everyone put it on a pedestal.”

The only matter that Cameron and I have ever clashed over is intimacy in our relationship. When we met nine years ago, sex was certainly something he wanted more frequently than I did. After about six months of seeing each other, we opted to experiment with a non-monogamous setup so that Cameron could pursue individuals who have higher libidos than I am.

At first, there were pangs of envy at first, but our connection was strengthened thanks to open dialogue, and I eventually felt completely safe in our partnership. It became a great benefit for our relationship, since I never truly enjoyed sex. Growing up, I thought out of place as society at large put it on a pedestal, but I never fully understood the appeal about it.

Upon finding a book about asexuality online recently, it was an eye-opener. I was taken aback, as previously I identified as a someone with desire – I like to masturbate, and I experienced a lot of sex during my twenties. But I feel I participated in much of that intimacy due to the fact that I had lingering guilt – a remnant of growing up in a culture that tells us you have to meet others’ expectations.

The resource helped me understand was that asexuality is a wide range. As an instance, I don’t have sexual desire, including towards people who I consider attractive. I enjoy their beauty, but I have no desire to engage sexually with them. But I enjoy having orgasms. For me, it’s fun and it provides relief – a means to empty everything on my mind in my head.

It felt extremely empowering to tell Cameron that I identify as asexual. He accepts it. We continue to engage in intimacy, as I experience intense intimacy as well as emotional unity during those moments, and I am deliberately opting when I desire to be close to him physically. It’s not that I have a libido, but I have alternative purposes to have sex, for example wanting to be close. I notice his pleasure, and that makes me happy. Similarly that someone who is not asexual can decide to abstain, I can opt to engage in intimacy for different purposes than being turned on.

Cameron's Experience: Love Beyond Physical Intimacy

Cameron, 36: Simply because intimacy isn’t central doesn’t mean that love is lacking.”

Sex was once super important to me. It was the source from which I gained much of my self-esteem. I was sick and in hospital often during my teens, so sex became an activity that I felt provided empowerment regarding my physique. This began to shift significantly upon getting to know Sarah, because sex wasn’t the most important thing for us.

With Sarah, I discovered greater worth in other parts of myself, and it reduced the importance of sex. I do not wish to engage sexually with anyone else now either. Whenever I experience like having sex, I have alternative methods I can handle it. Masturbation is a possibility, but alternatively going for a stroll, reflecting on what’s on my mind or watercolour painting.

Upon her discovery of her asexuality, I began to realise that intimacy is more about bonding. This can occur during sex, but additionally via other methods that are just as valuable and fulfilling. I had a particular notion of this identity – if sex was absent, you didn’t ever experience desire. But it varies widely, and it needs exploration to understand where you stand on it.

We’ve been together for several years, and the fact that intimacy isn’t the main focus does not imply that love is absent. Making specific time for romance is crucial for our relationship. Sometimes we’ll get complex building kits and build them a little bit daily, which is deeply bonding. Alternatively we plan a special night and go out for a mocktail and dinner. We embrace and make plans ahead, which is a way to show affection. I get much satisfaction from cooking for other people, and I feel very content in a similar way to afterglow of sex.

Her identity has just expanded the idea of our bond. It is similar to limiting the tools you have to use – you must find new ways with your current situation. It pushes you to consider in different ways. But it never reduced the bond that I feel for my partner at all.